Guest Post by Talls
Note: there are so many links in this post, you guys. SO MANY. Because hotlinking is non-cool. Please click through them all to fully enjoy this post.
When I was a kid I thought corned beef hash sounded like the worst food ever made. Obviously it involved some sort of corn, and some beef, and you smashed it up. Ugh. Gross.
Even as an adult it took me a while to try this stuff because, let’s face it, it still looks kind of gross. Then I tried some that wasn’t out of a can and it was fucking great and now apparently I’m some kind of goddamned corned beef hash evangelist.
So now I’m stuck in College Park, MD for another nine hours, which sounds like a doctor, but it is not, it is a town where they don’t believe in brunch at all and hardly even fucking believe in breakfast. This place is a blasted culinary wasteland until 4 PM. Thanks to that bullshit I have some extra fucking time on my hands, so let me explain to you corned-beef hash.
Because clearly there are people who need it explained.
Some people seem not to understand what corned beef hash actually is. And not in the way that most people don’t know why corned beef is called “corned”, which I’m not going to explain to you, you can find that shit out on your own, I am not your father. No, some people – people who run restaurants no less – seem to have deeper, inexplicable misunderstandings that, seriously, what the fuck.
This is what proper corned beef hash looks like:
As you can see, it has roughly equal amounts of corned beef and potatoes. It has small amounts of onions and red peppers. It has eggs on top of it, which is optional but recommended. It probably has salt and pepper and garlic and some thyme and oh my god I want this so bad this town has nothing for breakfast I’m so unhappy here all they have is a Denny’s why isn’t the plane leaving yet.
Ahem.
ANYway, those are the proper proportions. The corned beef should be lean. The potatoes should be in small pieces, and the corned beef should be in roughly the same size pieces. The whole thing should be made on a griddle or skillet or something, and not in a pot or in an oven. Cook the potatoes separately first and then combine, so they get crispy. This takes work, but it is not fucking rocket science. I can tell you this because I am a fucking rocket scientist, and NASA does not launch fucking corned beef into space. Any more.
Let me show you some things that are not quite proper corned beef hash:
No, that’s chopped-up corned beef, and hash browns. Note the unnecessary comma, which I added in because that is clearly fucking two separate things.
Food photography is hard, y’all. Are those carrots and cabbage? No. Don’t try to Irish this up.
Did you use mashed potatoes??
The above shit is clearly Shepherd’s Pie.
That’s home fries with little bits of corned beef sprinkled in for flavoring. I mean, it looks ok, but someone’s trying to skimp on ingredients.
Opposite problem.
This, as previously indicated, is hash browns that someone waved some corned beef around.
Corned will not fit in any mouth.
I said small pieces. We are not making Extra-Fucking-Chunky Style here.
That’s not corned beef hash, that’s cutsie bullshit.
Ok, that might be genius. You get a pass this time.
and
No, that is a fucking box and a can. The things inside are corned beef hash on a technicality, the way that jello and glue are both technically horses.
Stop. Just stop.
What are you doing.
There are more images online – images too awful to show you here. Images that further erode my already-rock-fucking-bottom view of the world as a whole. It’s good to know that I always have more goodwill for humanity to erode. Seriously, don’t search Wikimedia Commons for corned beef hash. You will regret your life.
On the plus side, there are places out there that do get it. Even places that can’t figure out “cut things small” and “go easy on the thyme” generally end up with something delicious. Just try to screw up only one of these things at a time, ok? Corned beef hash is some good damned food. This is culinary alchemy here. Send a message back in time to Mini-Talls and tell him that, also also how to fucking time travel you inconsiderate douche.
Why is my plane not back in Boston yet?
Brunch the Fuck Up 