Tag Archives: fakes

Al’s Breakfast – Minneapolis, MN

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Al’s Breakfast – No website, link goes to Yelp page

This post is written by my partner Talls who was at a conference in Minnesota recently.  Thanks to covering brunchiness even when I was not there to bitch about it!

 

 

How small is Al’s Breakfast?

It’s so small that the entire restaurant is 10 feet wide.

It’s so small that there are only 14 seats.

How small is it? Check out the picture from Google Maps:

It's real fuckin' small.

It’s real fuckin’ small.

You ain't kiddin', pal.

You ain’t kiddin’, pal.

I got there and there was a line with about 20 people outside the building, and maybe another 20 inside. (Yes, they fucking crammed a line into a restaurant that’s 10 feet wide.) That doesn’t sound so bad?

Remember: 14 seats.

Remember: 14 seats.

It was just over an hour before I got to sit down. Either don’t go on a sunday, or bring a fucking book.

The place, as they say, has character.

The place, as they say, has character.

Also dinosaur toys for kids.

For kids, I said.

Enough with the fucking decor, how’s the food?

Corned Beef Hash, pancakes, and juice.

Corned Beef Hash, pancakes, and juice.

On the down side, they think that stuff in the front is corned beef hash. It is not. It is hash browns that someone waved some fucking corned beef over. Some day I shall write a fucking tirade about how people cannot fucking figure out corned beef hash, but not today.

On the up side, those pancakes? Fucking delicious. Blackberry pancakes with a big pat of butter and maple syrup (which you have to buy, but is cheap). They did those fuckers right. It’s a good thing I got the water because I would have burned my tongue off with the delicious blackberries otherwise. The OJ is not fresh-squeezed, but is miles better than canned.

The omelets also looked amazing. I don’t have a picture because I didn’t want to be the creepy fuck who was like CAN I PHOTOGRAPH YOUR BREAKFAST FOR MY GIRLFRIEND’S EXPLETIVE-FILLED BRUNCH BLOG? but they looked great.

Oh, and in case you can’t read my bill upside-down, the whole thing came out to about $13. Fuck yeah.

So, short version: If you are in Minneapolis in the morning: go to Al’s Breakfast. Not on a weekend. Get pancakes. The end.

I Have Maple-Flavored Feelings

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There are a million things that can go wrong in the world, and many of them occur at brunch.  Long lines, small tables, and non-perfect food.  No one eats breakfast/lunch food out if it’s not going to be perfect, guys.  We can all make pancakes and sandwiches, can’t we?  If we wanted non-perfect food, we’d stay home.  We go out to brunch for the awesome.  For the amazing.  For the they-really-put-all-those-things-in-one-thing? turning out to be the BEST FOODSTUFF EVER.  Or maybe we just go out for really good eggs in the company of hipsters and kitsch.

Regardless, as a New Englander I feel strongly that the worst brunch faux pass is not having real maple syrup.

High fructose corn syrup with “maple flavoring” is NOT maple syrup people.  For some, it is a travesty because corn subsidies and it makes you fat or whatever else.  This is not my point.  Mine is that maple syrup is the nectar of the breakfast gods and I refuse to eat your dry-ass pancakes without some liquid nirvana making them palatable.  Real syrup upgrades BACON.  I come to brunch for many things, but first among them is the boiled-down blood of the sugar maple.  If I am not one step away from being a tree vampire, it is not brunch time.  That makes it lunch time, because at least with a grilled cheese sandwich I do not feel inherently betrayed by the lack of syrup.  I am also not a fan of paying extra for real syrup, but as long as it’s not five bucks I’ll do it because I know the good stuff costs.

Also: Grade B is the best grade and we other New England states have let Vermonters pull the maple wool over our eyes for too long.  And they know their syrup.  They want fake syrup passed off as the real thing to be a prosecutable offense.