Monthly Archives: August 2015

Spot Cafe – Watertown, MA

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Spot Cafe in Watertown, MA

They don’t have a website so the above link goes to their Yelp page.

All other opinions of France aside, they make some goddamn fabulous breakfast foods. Spot Cafe has attempted to bring those tasty ass pastries to suburb town, Massachusetts, and succeeded well. Also, they covered a tiny space with teapots for decoration and sale. Cause why the fuck not?

In honor of this, I’m going to translate my entire post into French. Using the internet.  Maybe some other languages too. And then translate it back into English. May this fuckery add to your blog-consumption experience. The top paragraphs will be my original words, and the paragraph after the —– will be the translation garbled bullshit.  Have fun!

I like waffles. I like fresh strawberries. I like whipped cream. I like Nutella. Spot Cafe combined all these things perfectly, slapped them on a plate, and put them in front of me after serving me some lovely coffee. Appreciate them and their charmingly bitchy regular customers we got to over hear in the tiiiiiiiny space that is this restaurant.

—–

I like waffles. I love fresh strawberries. I want whipped cream. I love Nutella . Spot Cafe combination of all these things perfectly , slapped on a plate and put them in front of me , talk to me after some nice coffee. And charm regular customers appreciate bitch we hear in space tiiiiiiiny this restaurant.
talk to me after some nice coffee

talk to me after some nice coffee

Talls opted for an omelette full of tasty things like cheese and veggies, and it was everything it was promised to be. The home fries were also delicious and well seasoned. Since things like this hella tasty thing exists I have no fucking clue why one of the Yelp reviews is bitching about a lack of non-carb things. ALSO, why the fuck do you go to a French brunch place for dishes without bread products. FRANCE IS MADE OF BUNS YOU ASS.

—–

Toll opted for an omelette filled with tasty things like cheese and vegetables, and that was all it promised to be. The chips are tasty and well seasoned . Since things like Hella Good thing I do is Fuxing thought that one of the Criticisms Yelp is bittshing about a shortage of things - notch . Also, what the fuck - you go to a place of French Branch dishes without cakes. France buns you ass.
France buns. You ass.

France buns you ass.

As you can see in the above picture I added bacon as a side, and Talls got his usual sausage. Or at least, he thought that was what he was going to get. He reported they were nummy despite looking like a kind of a disturbing-ass mess.

—–

As you can see in the picture above I added bacon as a group , and I 'm cuts his usual sausage . Or at least he thought that was what I was going to get . Nummy reported that although it seems a lot of the type of anxiety disorder - Oslo .
anxiety disorder - Oslo

anxiety disorder – Oslo

In conclusion: good food, good coffee, good juice, teapots for sale. Nothing to do with Oslo.

A Well-Considered Ranting Upon the Nature of Corned Beef Hash

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Guest Post by Talls

Note: there are so many links in this post, you guys.  SO MANY. Because hotlinking is non-cool. Please click through them all to fully enjoy this post.

When I was a kid I thought corned beef hash sounded like the worst food ever made. Obviously it involved some sort of corn, and some beef, and you smashed it up. Ugh. Gross.

Even as an adult it took me a while to try this stuff because, let’s face it, it still looks kind of gross. Then I tried some that wasn’t out of a can and it was fucking great and now apparently I’m some kind of goddamned corned beef hash evangelist.

So now I’m stuck in College Park, MD for another nine hours, which sounds like a doctor, but it is not, it is a town where they don’t believe in brunch at all and hardly even fucking believe in breakfast. This place is a blasted culinary wasteland until 4 PM. Thanks to that bullshit I have some extra fucking time on my hands, so let me explain to you corned-beef hash.

Because clearly there are people who need it explained.

Some people seem not to understand what corned beef hash actually is. And not in the way that most people don’t know why corned beef is called “corned”, which I’m not going to explain to you, you can find that shit out on your own, I am not your father. No, some people – people who run restaurants no less – seem to have deeper, inexplicable misunderstandings that, seriously, what the fuck.

This is what proper corned beef hash looks like:

(So pretty.)

As you can see, it has roughly equal amounts of corned beef and potatoes. It has small amounts of onions and red peppers. It has eggs on top of it, which is optional but recommended. It probably has salt and pepper and garlic and some thyme and oh my god I want this so bad this town has nothing for breakfast I’m so unhappy here all they have is a Denny’s why isn’t the plane leaving yet.

Ahem.

ANYway, those are the proper proportions. The corned beef should be lean. The potatoes should be in small pieces, and the corned beef should be in roughly the same size pieces. The whole thing should be made on a griddle or skillet or something, and not in a pot or in an oven. Cook the potatoes separately first and then combine, so they get crispy. This takes work, but it is not fucking rocket science. I can tell you this because I am a fucking rocket scientist, and NASA does not launch fucking corned beef into space. Any more.

Let me show you some things that are not quite proper corned beef hash:

Corned bullshit

No, that’s chopped-up corned beef, and hash browns. Note the unnecessary comma, which I added in because that is clearly fucking two separate things.

Corned carrots?

Food photography is hard, y’all. Are those carrots and cabbage? No. Don’t try to Irish this up.

Corned… the fuck?

Did you use mashed potatoes??

Corned batshit

The above shit is clearly Shepherd’s Pie.

Corned nothingness

That’s home fries with little bits of corned beef sprinkled in for flavoring. I mean, it looks ok, but someone’s trying to skimp on ingredients.

Corned falls, everyone dies.

Opposite problem.

Stop. Corning. POTATOES.

This, as previously indicated, is hash browns that someone waved some corned beef around.

Corned will not fit in any mouth.

I said small pieces. We are not making Extra-Fucking-Chunky Style here.

Corned twee

That’s not corned beef hash, that’s cutsie bullshit.

Corned unicorn beef?

Ok, that might be genius. You get a pass this time.

Corned lies

and

Corned damn lies

No, that is a fucking box and a can. The things inside are corned beef hash on a technicality, the way that jello and glue are both technically horses.

Corned betrayal

Stop. Just stop.

Corned statistics

What are you doing.

There are more images online – images too awful to show you here. Images that further erode my already-rock-fucking-bottom view of the world as a whole. It’s good to know that I always have more goodwill for humanity to erode. Seriously, don’t search Wikimedia Commons for corned beef hash. You will regret your life.

On the plus side, there are places out there that do get it. Even places that can’t figure out “cut things small” and “go easy on the thyme” generally end up with something delicious. Just try to screw up only one of these things at a time, ok? Corned beef hash is some good damned food. This is culinary alchemy here. Send a message back in time to Mini-Talls and tell him that, also also how to fucking time travel you inconsiderate douche.

Why is my plane not back in Boston yet?

The Asgard – Cambridge, MA

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The Asgard Irish Pub and Restaurant

We’re back, bitches! Which I know I’ve said before, so blah blah blah, fuck me I’m an asshole, blah. Look, do you want mea culpas or do you want raving about tasty food? Neither, you want pictures of my meals! Ha! Goddamn it, when did I become that person? Probably a few months before I bought this fucking domain name.

The Asgard is an Irish, not Norse pub, but I’m sure Tom and Chris would still be welcome here if they showed up in their Avengers attire. It’s in Central Square and close enough to Toscanini’s that if you eat a late brunch you can saunter across a street or two and have the best fucking ice cream ever afterwards.

…fuck, why didn’t we do that?

Anyway, it was a cold and rainy day in April that for some reason showed up at the end of June when we ate here, and I was so fucking happy to have a warm mug in my hands that I forgave them their only okay coffee. And then they served my meal, and I didn’t give a shit about that at ALL anymore.

Sing with me: Amazing waffle gets rid of everything awful!

Sing with me: Amazing waffle gets rid of everything awful!

This fucking thing showed up and my day was MADE. The waffle was crispy and chewy in all the right places, the chicken was juicy and delicious, and the spicy maple syrup was real and just the right level of heat. I was in comfort food heaven and hummed to myself throughout the entire damn meal.

A traditional Irish breakfast at the Viking Irish Pubthing.

A traditional Irish breakfast at the Viking Irish Pubthing.

Talls, being Talls, went for his favorite land of a million puddings meal, the Irish breakfast. They may not have named their restaurant correctly, but they did a Celtic brunch standard proud. He ate the entire thing and declared it, as we say in Boston, wicked pissah.

To sum up: shitty coffee but fucking awesome food. Better to brunch here and get your coffee affogato over at Toscanini’s, I think.